Oh, Say, Can You Sea to Shining Sea

FMG was on another hiatus earlier in the week and since I can only stare at the walls for so long, I was going to try something dangerous. I was going to put on my FMG hat and try to tear up a Manzo blog by endlessly saying Manzo was wrong about stuff that he actually wasn't wrong about at all. Then, I was gonna top that off with some uninspired and needlessly wordy attempts at humor. But, then, something funny happened when I clicked on the BSNY website. Or maybe it was something scary. I haven't decided yet. I don't know if Manzo saw me coming or if he was just so excited that FMG was on a break, but he goes ahead and writes a blog littered with wrongness. I mean, I think I owe FMG an apology because the only thing I could think of to say when I read THIS was, "HOLY HIPPO TITS!" I couldn't believe that FMG was missing this for PhishFest. This blog was low hanging fruit. When I played Little League, I was the worst. Well, the worst of the regular kids anyway. I'm not counting the kids who played the field with their back to home plate. So if the pitcher had even the slightest hint of a fastball, meaning he didn't throw bloopers, then every at-bat for me was pre-determined to be a strikeout or a walk. But every now and then the other team's coach had no choice but to put in a blooper pitcher. Some kid who couldn't throw a line drive to the plate without it bouncing 3 times, so his only option was to put a lot of arc into it. Well, anytime I came up against a blooper pitcher didn't I just hit a screaming grounder between short and third and mosey my way right down to first. Yes, I did. And coach would mark it down as a 1B in the scorebook. He wouldn't put 1B* and then write *blooper pitcher down the bottom of the page. It was a fucking single and it made sure my average wasn't .000 every year.


FMG, this Manzo blog is a blooper. It's time for you to get a hit.


As luck would have it, FMG did see this entry and he was able to sneak away from Shakedown Street long enough to unzip his Jansport, pull out his carving knife and get to work.


Let's see how he did.


Daily News — A small pacifist college in Indiana has stopped playing the national anthem at sporting events because the song’s military-themed lyrics run afoul of its beliefs. Officials at Goshen College – which is affiliated with the Mennonite Church – say they will find an alternative song to honor the country while keeping in line with their philosophy.

We’ll break in down the Manzo part in sections, go here for the entire travesty.

Hey hippie dudes, yeah you, the ones with your fat guts ironically painted in red, white and blue.

Ummm… none of those guys look much like hippies to us, (and we were at a Phish show last night, we’ve seen plenty of those dirty bastards) but let’s not harp on the fact that Manzo apparently doesn’t know the difference between a hippie and a pacifist (most mouth breathers don’t) because there is something much more egregious in that sentence.

Hey, FMG! Not bad. The picture referred to here is of 4 dudes and it screams fratboys much louder than it does hippies. Then FMG casually points out that a pacifist does not necessarily a hippie make. Both valid points. This is some responsible cyber-critiquing going on right now. So since I don't really have any gripes so far, let me ask this; Doesn't mouth breather sound like a creature that should be in HBO's Game of Thrones? "Lord Eddard of the House of Stark, you stand here convicted of high treason against the King and the Realm. You are sentenced to spend eternity in the darkest cave of the Mouth Breathers." And have you seen Game of Thrones? It's fantastic. My one teensy, tinsy issue with the program is this; for the first few episodes when you saw the NUDITY warning it usually meant we were going to be treated to Khaleesi's jaw-droppingly gorgeous B-Cups (small C, maybe?). In those instances I wouldn't even consider it a warning. It's more of an invitation: "Come see Khaleesi's beautiful bare-ass!" But lately, it has indeed been a warning and it has meant one thing; penis. First it was gay penis, then it was dragged-naked-by-horses-on-a-dirt-road-penis, and most recently, retarded-ogre-covered-in-baby-powder penis. So yeah, just a little more of Khaleesi's boobs, a little less of every other guy's dick and it's almost a perfect show. Anyway, FMG  mentioned something about something even more egregious in Manzo's opening. What was it?

Not since Alanis Morissette have we seen someone so drastically miss the mark on the definition of irony. Manzo those “hippies” are trying to convey that you can be a pacifist and patriotic. If you actually clicked the link to the story you posted you would have seen this;

The school’s director of public relations, Richard Aguirre, says it is not a matter of a lack of patriotism.

So they painted their chest to show their patriotism and that is in no way ironic… kinda like rain on your wedding day.

Oh, boy. And we were off to such a good start. Manzo read the article. He knows what the "hippies" are trying to do and he doesn't agree with it. He thinks what they're doing is unpatriotic so he thinks its ironic that they should be painted red, white and blue. Why do you present Richard Aguirre's take on it as if it is irrefutable proof that Manzo is wrong? It's an opinion issue. Manzo's opinion on it leads him to believe that the photo is ironic. Maybe his opinion is a bit misguided, but that's not the point. Now what are you gonna do when Manzo really does make a whopper of a mischaracterization of irony and you've already used up your Alanis Morissette reference? Kinda like a traffic jam when you're already late.

It can’t get worse right?

I'm sure it does.

”The rockets” and “the bombs bursting in air”, that was what Francis Scott Fitzgerald saw when he wrote the fucking Banner. It’s not promoting war you ignorant pricks. Pay attention in class. And even if it was promoting war, which it clearly wasn’t, there’s only 1 National Anthem. There’s no “alternative”.

No, no, no that did not just happen. Francis Scott Fitzgerald? A person who gets paid to write, in a piece about the National Anthem, just got the author wrong? Is this the fucking twilight zone? Then he calls them ignorant pricks andthey should pay attention in class?

Hilarious that after all that Manzo serves up some textbook irony. FMG hits all the right points here. Go get 'em, kid.

Now there is a strong possibility here that Manzo was going for a joke by getting Francis Scott Key wrong on purpose, but even if that is the case it is just sloppy and awful to use a joke that trivializes the National Anthem in a post bashing people who don’t show the National Anthem proper respect.

I also wondered if the Key/Fitzgerald thing was intentional. To what end, who the fuck knows. Manzo, stop making my job so hard. FMG on a roll.

Ironic even.

Ba-dump bump.

It’s not like GNR when they came out with “Don’t Cry” on Use Your Illusion I and then “Don’t Cry Alternate Lyrics” on Use Your Illusion II. Completely different. The first one was for Terminator 2, the second was just because they needed to fill a spot on the album. Frankly I like the alternate lyrics version better. But the point is there’s no alternate version to the National Anthem. That’s like saying you want to fly an “alternative flag” at the top of the flag pole. You can’t. There’s 1 fucking flag, there’s 1 fucking anthem and there’s 2 versions of Don’t Cry. Hey I’m not going to argue “America The Beautiful” isn’t a great song, but it’s not the Anthem and it never will be the Anthem.

As for the Guns and Roses babble, “You Could Be Mine” was the Terminator song. It took us literally 8 seconds to research and confirm that. Is there any reason on earth that someone who writes like 5 blogs a day as his jobcouldn’t put in an equal effort in order to be right every once in a while? It should be a law that if a writer is going to bring up a completely random analogy, the responsibility is on said writer to at least be correct.

MANZO!!!!! Have you seen T2? Everybody has, right? And you obviously know the lyrics to Don't Cry. So please explain to me and FMG, at what point in T2 could you imagine them playing Don't Cry? It's not like you just got the title wrong or something. The fact that it appears on both albums is a key point to the comparison that was both introduced and immediately dismissed by you. So you know exactly what song it is. So you thought of that song and then you thought of T2. I love you, man. But you're one crazy mother. Seriously, go back and read that. So the story says a school is going to use a different patriotic song to honor America and Manzo goes, "Well that's completely different than Don't Cry on the Use Your Illusions." Ok. Thanks for that. It's like if there were a story about a school switching its dessert options from cupcakes to carrot sticks Manzo would probably say, "Well that's nothing like the time my aunt made Lasagna!" FMG, I'm feeling you on this one too. 

When he states that there is no alternative to the National Anthem, once again Manzo is the king of contradiction, just when he is done ranting about there being no other option, he names one. He is right about one thing though, America The Beautiful is not the National Anthem, but it is… wait for it… an alternative.

Aaaand, we're back. I'm working on something that I'll call the "Manzo Paradox" or maybe the "Manzo Conundrum", whichever is more applicable to what I'm about to describe. Bascially, during the course of relaying one of his ideas, opinions, or arguments to us Manzo uses variations of a word which create ambiguity as well as the possible appearance of a contradiction. The challenge to the reader is to decide exactly what Manzo is trying to say. The immutable truth of this paradox/conundrum is that FMG will always decide that Manzo is saying whatever it is that will support his off-base point. Manzo is clearly understanding "alternative" and "alternate" to mean the same thing. He's wrong to do so, but he is not contradicting himself. America the Beautiful is an alternative version of a patriotic song to the Star Spangled Banner. America the Beautiful is not an alternate version of the Star Spangled Banner. Manzo understands that last sentence but not the one before it. I think it's pretty clear what Manzo is saying when he says "But the point is there's no alternate version to the National Anthem." He's right. But the other point is that nobody said there was. FMG should have gone after the fact that Manzo's entire argument was based 100% on misperception instead of insisting of pointing out non-existent contradictions."

So pacifist hippie dudes, why don’t you just tie yourself to a tree and stay there for the rest of the summer. I heard it’s nice and cool in East Bumfuck, Indiana this time of year.

Well would you look at that, not happy with his previous amount of ineptitude Manzo now feels the need to throw in that he also does not know the difference between a pacifist and an environmentalist as well, environmentalists tie themselves to trees cockbreath, not pacifists. Bravo sir, a trifecta.

Score one for FMG here. Also, FMG has been very hard on Manzo's breath in this post.

So let’s re-cap this blog shall we?

Please don't.

 In 248 words Manzo was able to cram in all of the following travesties:

I wonder if FMG actually counted the words or cut and paste them into MS Word or something that can give you a word count.

1. Displays a lack of knowledge of the meaning of the word “pacifism” - I know this REALLY makes me sound like a miserable prick, but why use all these words here? It sounds so awkward. FMG is trying to sound proper or fancy for the sake of what? In onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineteneleven...TWELVE words FMG was able to cram in THREE prepositional phrases starting with 'of'. Dude, just say "Doesn't know what pacifism means"

2. Improper use of the word “hippie” - Improper use? Settle down. It's not like he walked into a Dunkin D's and asked for a Large Regular Iced Hippie. He called a dude who wasn't a hippie, a hippie.

3. Confuses “environmentalist” with “pacifism”

Wouldn't this also cover #1? Someone's cooking the books!

4. Displays zero understanding of, and misuses the term “irony” - No he didn't.

5. Gets the author of our National Anthem wrong in a post about the National Anthem

6. Randomly inserts Guns and Roses analogy and is incorrect about the very song he pulled from thin air

7. Contradicts himself about the existence of an alternative to The National Anthem - No he didn't.

8. Gets the author of our National Anthem wrong in a post about the National Anthem (We don’t give a fuck we’re counting that one twice) LOL

It is possible that in the history of everything, no person has ever managed to be so wrong about so many things in such a small amount of writing. 

I think it happened once before, or right after.

He has to be sucking on purpose right? There can be no other explanation, well besides Downs Syndrome right? Maybe Manzo has a touch of the Downs?

Shoot me.

So how do we think FMG did with that blooper pitch? 

I'd say he singled but was thrown out trying to stretch it into a double.

Honor Amongst Thieves

So the other day I posted about how distraught and terrified I was that FMG had uncovered my identity. I theorized about his wealth of resources and what my fate might be now that he had "tracked me down". Since then, the emails have been pouring in. Here is a sampling of the comments I've been getting:

"He crossed a line. You don't fuck with someone's life like that."
"I really hope this doesn't stop you from posting."
"Don't let his threats get to you."
"I want to be your paramour."

Guys, while the support is much appreciated, rest well in knowing that FMG has no intent of blackmailing and/or killing me with anthrax. He hasn't threatened me in any way. He actually did me a favor and he did this favor intentionally.

Here's what happened:

So the day prior to that post, FMG and I had a small exchange on the FTFMG Facebook page. During that exchange, FMG casually mentioned my first name. Well, as you might imagine, this caused me to spit out my cof--- nevermind. It shook me a bit. I immediately emailed FMG saying basically, "Dude, that's not cool. What's your angle?" I then had to meet my parents for dinner and it wasn't until after dinner that I got FMG's response saying "Haha. No worries, I wouldn't fuck with you like that. Just thought you should know how easy it is for people to find out who you are through your domain registration." It turned out that when I registered the domain name (which only costs $12 by the way, not $50) I never checked the privacy option. Well didn't I just go ahead and fix that right quick. During that time, FMG had also deleted his Facebook comment with my name in it.

Did FMG get the best of me for an hour while I labored through dinner wondering if my house was burning down? Yup. Was he ultimately doing me a good turn? Yup.

Gamesmanship at its finest.

So my post was 100% tongue-in-cheek. It was representative of my mindset during that one hour period when I didn't know what was what.

Truth be told, I'm relieved that FMG knows who I am. There's an tiny, unavoidable sense of shame that comes with criticizing a stranger under the blanket of anonymity. For me, that's gone now. Now the only sense of shame I have is the one about that thing where I started a blog shitting on a blog for shitting on another blog.

I'm pretty sure Manzo knows who FMG is as well.

I just sure as shit hope that the rest of you crazy fuckers don't find out who I am.

PS - This is my favorite picture from the first page of results when you do a google image search for "Honor Amongst Thieves". I couldn't have said it better myself.

What The Hell Is Going On Here?

As if yesterday wasn't strange enough, FMG posts about a Manzo piece that he LIKES. So instead of ripping on FMG for his off-base criticisms of Manzo, am I now gonna be ripping on him for his off-base praise?


Let's check it out.

Since we recently went into a hole and got shit-housed for a few days we decided to go back and review the magic that has been pouring from the pen of Manzo in our absence. 

Here are the opening words from the last 3 FMG posts:

1. Fire Manzo was on a little vacation/bender for a few days
2. We go on a simple drinking bender and look what we miss
3. Since we recently went into a hole and got shit-housed for a few days

We get it, dude. You love gettin' shitty. You don't have to tell us at a rate of 300%. Plus, I know what you were really doing. You were busy assembling a team of private investigators and procuring an assortment of surveillance equipment and remote keystroke recorders in an attempt to find out who I am and ruin my dinner last night!


Lo and behold what did we come across? Something that actually made us laugh out loud. From a Guess That Ass…

And the answer is Swiss model, Michelle Hunziker. I know nothing about her than she’s a Swiss model with a hot ass and a tattoo on her arm. Basically we have tons in common. Probably really hit it off. No awkward pauses, no name dropping, no nothing. She would tell me about her modelling career, I’d tell her about blogging. Just pure bliss all night, until the sun rises in the west.

Holy donkeycock Peteface that was actually a well crafted and funny blog… until the sun rises in the west… good line. This was sarcastic, self deprecating, just plain… funny.


I don't understand the use of random exclamations like "Holy donkeycock". It adds zero value to the post. It's not funny, it's strange. Just say, "wow". The only people who can get away with using inane exclamations are crazy and/or old people. Like if a 70 year old guy was walking barefoot at Castle Island and he stepped on a piece of gum I can totally picture him yelling, "Holy Donkeycock!" And what was so good about the "sun rises in the west" line? I guess by Manzo standards, the blog didn't suck. But I didn't laugh.

Here is the thing, sarcasm is simply the hardest type of humor to properly convey with the written word. It is difficult in person sometimes even. .

Ohhhhhh reaaallllllyy? Sarcasm is sooooo hard to convey with the written word. Sorry, I couldn't resist doing that.
Ok, so this is unexpected. Why did this blog turn into a tutorial on sarcasm? What else does FMG have to say about sarcasm? I'm dying to know. <----- Sarcasm


Without facial expressions and mannerisms there has to be a much wider gap between said sarcasm and the truth. Sometimes a visual such as a simple smirk and head nod will make someone aware of sarcasm, both of which are quite simply impossible with prose.


So it sounds like what FMG is saying here is that verbal sarcasm is all good as long as you're willing to fake a small stroke. But if you're gonna go written, you gotta go big. It's gotta be obvious because as FMG so deftly points out to us; it's quite simply impossible to smirk or nod using pen and paper. You have to use your actual head and face. So I'm sure you're all wondering "just how big of a gap does there have to be between said sarcasm and the truth?" Well, who among us hasn't typed out a sarcastic text message and stared at it for 10 minutes before sending? Wondering if it was going to go over as intended or if you were gonna feel like an asshole for the rest of the day because of it. I've mapped out two different text message scenarios which should illustrate to you the acceptable gap size between said sarcasm and the truth.


Scenario 1: Written Sarcasm Fail
Boyfriend: Hey, we still on for tonight?
Girlfriend: No, sorry. My dad got called into work and I have to babysit my little brother. Blah.
BF: Oh. You seem pretty excited about it.
GF: What? No. Baby, I really wanted to go out with you tonight.
BF: I was being sarcastic.
GF: Oh. About my dad? or my brother?
BF: No. About you being excited.
GF: Baby, i was excited. I was really looking forward to our date.
BF: What time can I come over?
GF: After 9.


Scenario 2: Written Sarcasm Success

Boyfriend: Hey, we still on for tonight?

Girlfriend: OMG. I can't. My brother got hit by a car today and has been in ICU since 10am. Baby, the doctors said he might lose his leg! My family is devastated!

BF: Oh. You seem pretty excited about it.

GF: LOL!

This is an interesting development in the Manzo watch. Not unlike the day he actually didn’t suck, this may be scientific evidence that Manzo is actually a funny guy. He is definitely a shitty writer, but what does it mean if he is a funny guy but just a shitty writer?
If I had to guess, I'd say Manzo wouldn't be a bad guy to hang out with and he'd probably be good for some laughs. I bet the Louigi story comes off much better in person (not being sarcastic).

This could actually make sense, maybe Manzo is really hilarious in person? Maybe his humor is just drastic sarcasm that gets lost in composition? Take the prior example for instance… It is sarcasm that is actually finally discernible by a reader, and it is fucking funny.
Wait. Didn't FMG earlier say that written sarcasm needs to be drastic? But now Manzo's drastic sarcasm is his tragic flaw? I must be missing something.

P.S. He still sucks 99.768% of the time.

Poor Peteface.

My Life Got Flipped Turned Upside Down

Yesterday was a hectic day, to say the least, here at FTFMG headquarters. First, I open my real life work email to see a message from my director lambasting me for failing to submit a timesheet before I left last week and further suggesting that I need time management training! Boss, do you realize that I spent half my work time last week writing a blog and I still got all the important work done? I think I'm managing time pretty well, thank you very much. Timesheet? Come on with that shit.

Then, FMG drops a bomb on me. He has uncovered the alter-ego of everyone's favorite super-blogger. He knows who I am. I don't know what resources he has at his disposal but if I had to guess I'd say that I'm dealing with a real life Charles Widmore here.

My head was spinning so badly when he first revealed this to me that I almost cancelled dinner plans with my parents. In hindsight, I should have. On three different occasions my mother asked me, "What's wrong?" Not believing me when I said, "Nothing." Funny thing how moms just know.

I couldn't finish my delicious Legal Seafoods oven baked chicken. I couldn't even conjure up a decent fantasy about our adorable, blond waitress. I couldn't picture us spending a day at the beach together. I couldn't picture her playfully pouring a pail of ocean water on my feet, startling me as I lay half-asleep on my stomach. I couldn't picture how cute she looked in my sunglasses that she had to borrow because she left hers in the car. I couldn't picture her reminding me to put more sunblock on my shoulders because I was "starting to red". I couldn't picture her closing her book, giving me a kiss and whispering in my ear, "Let's go home." I couldn't picture any of it! Damn you, FMG!

Thankfully, he has indicated that he won't be going to the press just yet, but still....he knows. And I know he knows. And he knows I know he knows. The game has changed.

So the question is; What do I do now? Do I buy an anthrax detector? That thing sounds really expensive. Do I stay hidden in my house longer than the 14 hours a day that I do already? Do I start carrying a Swiss Army Knife? I mean every time I open a door or turn a corner I have to worry that FMG might jump out screaming, "Shitballs Johnson!" at me. This is no way to live.

Well, I've given this a lot of thought. And even though FMG has my ID in his back-pocket, as long as he continues to pick on poor Manzo, I will continue to call him out as I see fit.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. The bug sweepers are coming at noon. And while they do that, I'm gonna go buy a remote car starter.

Return of the Mack

FMG posted again yesterday. FMG is in regular text, I'm in bold and Manzo's stuff is in italics shaded in gray.

Fire Manzo was on a little vacation/bender for a few days and wasn’t able to post, but rest assured we haven’t given up on the quest.

Fire Manzo was on a Wed-Fri bender. Back in action on Saturday though.

There’s been quite a bit of heavy duty Manzo suckage happening in our absence so we will just throw a couple quick ones out to get the proverbial feet wet again.

I did check in on a couple of Manzo blogs while you were bendering and he definitely had some doozies. But "get your feet wet" isn't a proverb. It's an idiom you house 'tard. Seriously, should I find a way to ramble on for three paragraphs on how ridiculous you are for calling it a proverb? Or should I just get over it?

First off we have another Jose Canseco blog. Click the link if you want the entire thing but for streamlining purposes, let’s get right into it:

Hey everybody, to the Lake House!   Not to say I told you, but I told you so.  Canseco is absolutely fucked.

Wow, you were right Manzo. Everyone doubted you when you went against the grain and said Canseco might have problems. While most highly respected social commenters were convinced that Jose was a model of mental fitness and a well adjusted and grounded man, you were alone on an island saying he may not be all there. Bravo, it was you and only you who properly assessed Jose as a nutjob.

Let me paraphrase this last paragraph. "Wow, you were right Manzo. Everyone doubted you when you went against the grain. Most highly respected social commenters were convinced that Jose was mentally stable, mentally stable, and mentally stable but you went against the grain. You, Manzo, have gone against the grain."  Who taught FMG that wordier means wittier? It certainly wasn't EP. Hasn't he ever heard of the KISH'T rule? KEEP IT SIMPLE HOUSE 'TARD. Model of mental fitness, well adjusted, and grounded all mean the same thing. In the context of what you're saying they're identical, redundant and repetitive...and they mean the same thing.

This falls into the Chris Rock category of taking credit for shit you’re supposed to do, like taking care of your kids. Manzo, you’re supposed to know Canseco is fucked, that doesn’t make you special.

Piggy-backing off a Chris Rock routine? Atta boy.  What's worse is I know deep down in my gut that what Manzo said isn't 100% analogous to the Chris Rock thing. I just don't have the brainpower, mental fortitude, power of thinking or intelligence right now to explain why. 

And now Manzo brings this shit up again. Unreal, why are we still hearing about this?

Gotta remember, I had his ’86 Donruss Rated rookie.  Fucking thought I was going to retire off that thing.   Who didn’t?

Why do we have to remember this useless piece of info? I had just forgotten that you told us that shit for no reason a few days ago. I had re assigned those brain cells to something useful and here you just pop that crap back into my head and waste more of my valuable (and admittedly rapidly vanishing) cranial capacity?

In Manzo's defense everybody that collected baseball cards in the 80's thought they would be paying for their college tuition with Jose Canseco Donruss rookie cards. I don't blame him for lapsing into a typing trance anytime he thinks about it.

Fuck that Manzo, please stop talking about your Canseco rookie card, they were not rare. Once again this does not make you special. (It does however make you ancient)

He NEVER said it was rare but the fucking card was one of the most coveted cards of its time. That is a FACT. He never said it made him special. Manzo actually asks, "Who didn't" feel the same way as him, which clearly acknowledges that he didn't think he was special. So what the fuck are you talking about, FMG?

P.S. We really, really wanted to like firethefiremanzoguy.blogspot.com but it’s just not very good, so that’s all we have to say about that.

Fair enough. Opinions are like assholes; I only care about my girlfriend's.

That line was gold, Jerry. Gold.

Tell Me You Hate Me

So I started this blog on a whim last week. I did register the domain name but the blogspot site isn't linked to it yet. As far as the comment section goes, right now I'm at the mercy of the functionality provided by blogger.com. If anyone is really that compelled to leave a comment I think the easiest way is to have a Google account and select that option from the comments drop down box. Then the rest is pretty easy.

If you really want to let me have it shoot me an email at firethefiremanzoguy@gmail.com

And please, please follow me on the FACEBOOK!!!

Having been a human for my whole life I fully understand that the majority of people who may have clicked on this page so far could give a shit about the blog, followed by those who hate it, followed by a few of you who are mildy amused. It is those few that I would like to hear from.

Honestly, though. I'd be curious to hear from lovers and haters alike.